one small corner of the world

noticing, again

2007-07-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

We planted these red dahlias a few days before the wedding, and they were some of the planted pots lining the aisle we made for our wedding.

I love going out in the afternoon to see how they are doing. And this day, I spotted the little bug enjoying them too.

This has been a time of big events. We have been running. Sure, I have felt the wind move through my hair as I run, and I love the feeling of my muscles working. But still, everything has moved at such a pace.

Write a book in four months! Change the restaurant to gluten-free! Give interviews to the press! Learn how to market a book! Move to a new house! Get married!

I would not change a thing. Most people aren't given this much joy in one year. Every single movement has been enormous joy. (Okay, maybe not packing up the kitchen.) But there has just been too much movement for one year.

I want to slow down. I want to learn how to feel my breath again, instead of the wind in my hair.

This will be my place for noticing. For life beyond food and love and public moments. Yes, you who are reading, you might have come here from that other site. You can comment, if you wish. This isn't my private diary.

But I need a place to write, the little moments, the bug in the dahlias in the backyard moments. And not feel like it has to be any good.

Here it is.

what we miss

2007-05-05T20:30:00.001-07:00

We miss this kind of sight, every day.

There's beauty everywhere.

the tiny details of life

2007-05-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

These days, for perhaps the first time, I'm interested in clean lines and a tidy house.

We're about to move into a new house, and now I want to keep it clean.

Everything in neat lines.

It probably won't last long.

Still, when I took this photograph this morning, the lines on the chopsticks stood next to each other. I didn't do that on purpose. It just happened.

Maybe something is changing.

sometimes, all I can do is look up at the sky

2007-04-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

These days, it's hard to write about the tiny details of my life without feeling a little guilty.

The shooting is so horrific: all those young people dead; a Holocaust survivor blocking the door to save their lives and losing his own; the sad haunted kid who killed them all, clearly in need of help, for years, and no one could do anything.

This morning, I was reading about it in the newspaper, not moving in the bed, no longer wishing for another cup of coffee. When I put down the paper, I let out a big sigh. Danny turned toward me and opened his arms. I snuggled in, and he held me.

That felt a little better.

There is so much suffering in this world.

Last night, on the news, they called it evil. They bandied about that word as though it is an accepted fact. After one more news story about it, I turned to him and said, "I just don't believe in that word."
"What do you mean?" he asked me.
"I mean, saying the word evil means believing that there's this quality, something beyond us, a quantifiable entity, for which we are not responsible. The fact is, we are all capable of cruelty. And if we remember that — instead of calling someone evil — we can find some compassion for the people who do these things."
He sighed, so deeply that he didn't talk for a moment. I thought, perhaps, he didn't agree. He was raised Catholic, after all.
Instead, he turned toward me and said, "I've been waiting to find you all of my life." There were tears in his eyes. "I've always wanted to meet someone who believes the same thing I do."
We held each other. That's all we could do.

Sometimes, in these hard times, all I can do is look up at the sky. White blossoms blot out parts of the blue sky. At least there is spring.

the pictures painted on him

2007-04-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, you could not have told me that I would marry a man with a tattoo.

In the 1970s, tattoos only appeared on the body parts of sailors and hoodlums, bikers and rapscallions. Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront — he was the tattoo type. No way. Stay away.

But we have all grown up. I certainly have. And on the first night we spent together, seeing this tattoo of his was the clinching moment. I already felt myself falling in love with him. But when I saw John Lennon on his arm, I surrendered. He was my love. He still is.

He didn't know I took this. He was sleeping sweetly after I rose to make us coffee. In the mornings, nothing makes me happier than turning toward him in our sleepy state and seeing his face for the first time that day. He always smiles when he sees mine. But sometimes, I love kissing his forehead, and climbing over in the bed, and going into the kitchen for a little time alone. Mostly because, when I come back, I see this.

our hands at the spot where we will be married

2007-04-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

It's more than six months since we took the first one, the photograph that became our Save the Date card. Here we are, not at the ocean, but in front of the Sound. This water made its way all the way from the ocean, to our feet.

We are standing on the beach at Golden Gardens, where we will be married in three months, and a few days. Three months!

If my love for him grows any more enormous, I might just split open.

the earth is turning

2007-03-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

the last time I took this picture,
the sky outside was bleak
and the branches bare.

now, sunlight fills the kitchen
some mornings
the sky is clear
more of the time
and buds are emerging.

I can feel the earth turning.

this one is for Daniel.

2007-03-11T10:19:00.000-07:00

2007-03-02T22:00:00.001-08:00

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true love

2007-02-28T20:59:00.000-08:00

Thirty years
together,
and they
are still
laughing.

They chop their own wood.
They eat whole foods.
They live
in a small house
and never grow
tired of each other.

For nearly fifteen years,
they have been my models
of love.

unexpected sunlight

2007-02-27T20:52:00.001-08:00

I will take
sunlight
wherever
I can find
it
in February.

Even through
smudged
salt and pepper
shakers
at an alehouse
on a Monday
afternoon.

focus in wandering

2007-02-20T17:17:00.000-08:00

We had the afternoon.

All morning,
I had been working.
He had been planning
the menu
for next month.
Everything focused
on goal.

We left the house
and entered
the moment.

A wet
windy
cold
moment,
but there
nevertheless.

Discovery Park.
we found the tree
under which
we will be married.

We smiled and linked arms.

And then we
drove
to the Market.

We go,
at least
once a week,
but always with
something specific
to buy.

Yesterday,
we wandered
meandered
wondered
where to go next.

I looked up
and saw him
looking intently
not angry
just focused.

I had to take his picture.

captured

2007-02-18T18:15:00.000-08:00

We stood in front
of this ocelot
for almost
ten minutes.

How did he
do this?
Fall asleep
in such
a cramped space?
Allow himself
to trust
this much?

Was this
even a he?

we don't know much.

sunset over the Santa Catalinas

2007-02-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

The power of the light
drew us all
outside.

Silence.

What words could we say?

At first,
it was just
the gathering clouds
the looming distance
that golden light.

Several moments later
a rainbow.

That is when
I lifted the camera
to my eyes.

the first flowers of spring

2007-02-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

After my walk
around the lake
my eyes
jumped
at the sight
of these.

sunlight in petals.

My heart
surged
in me.

Spring.

I walked three blocks
more
for my camera
and skipped
on the sidewalk
just to
remember
this moment.

the redemption of sunlight

2007-02-15T18:12:00.000-08:00

we really do
only live
in one
small corner
of the world.

here:
green trees
rich with rain
grey skies
prickles of cold
against the skin.

there:
blue bumping into clouds
prickles of cactus
attacking my leg
brown ground
vastness.

sometimes,
seeing
something different
is the only redeeming
i need.

the red scarf with green flecks

2007-02-10T14:49:00.000-08:00

Late afternoon
light.

I found
this scarf.
I wish
I could say
I made it.
Nope.

I gave
ten dollars
to Value Village.

In the gloaming,
it gleamed.

Out of focus
no purpose
I saved it
anyway.

green amidst the grey

2007-02-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

Any green
amidst the grey

is a welcome
relief
these days.

who looks at doorbells

2007-02-08T17:42:00.001-08:00

I looked
at this
yesterday
for the first time.

Just because
I had a camera
in my hands.

I have lived
here
for nearly
four years.

Pay attention.

i want it to be spring.

2007-02-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

This morning
the sky looked warm
out the window.

I put on
my red dress
the one everyone
loves
but he thinks is on
inside out.

And sandals.
Open-toed shoes.
I was ready for the spring.

Halfway through the day,
I stopped home
to find a pair of pants.
Too cold.

(Besides, I had forgotten
to shave my legs.)

They don't go together
that red dress
those Indian pants
but I like them.

It's nearly spring.

It can't be far away.

unexpected beauty in the morning

2007-02-06T17:47:00.000-08:00

This morning,
after I woke
I stumbled into the living room
eager to hear
the coffee maker fizzing.

Instead, I picked up
my camera.

Amal gave me tulips
on Friday.
Sadly, they sat
in the car
until Sunday.
Life interferes with efficiency.

He found them.
And then he extended them
to me,
limp and dragging.
Still, tulips.

We put them in water
not expecting anything.

This morning, they had revived
and opened forth
leaning toward the light.

This made my day.

adoration

2007-02-03T17:13:00.000-08:00

I will never able to
fathom
just how I love
this little boy.

At nearly four,
everything is worthy
of his attention,
even the place
where the grass
meets the pavement.

Watching him
explore
and listening to
his giggle
fill me with
hope.

stumbling into a cliche, but living it instead.

2007-02-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

Late in the afternoon
after a day of indolence
we wandered
in the car
wherever the light led us.

We parked at Golden Gardens
and opened our jaws
in awe.

Flashes of pink and orange
across the sky
the mountains lavender.

That kite
flying strong against the sky
was a detail
I could not have predicted.

As we walked
in the cold air
taking photographs
and kissing as our feet
missed the solid ground,
in sand,
we laughed.

Somehow,
we had become
the cliche of
a couple in love:
walking on the beach at sunset.

a sun-filled morning

2007-01-23T18:32:00.001-08:00

I love mornings
so much more now.

When the alarm clock
threw me out of bed
at 6 am,
I resented the darkness
outside my window.

It always took me
twenty minutes
to remember
how good it is to feel alive.

Those were long years.

Now, I wake up
when the sun hits our eyes
and I feel him stirring
beside me.

I never have problems
remembering my gratitude.

And I have more
photographs of breakfast
than ever before.

(inspired by 3191. of course.)

even towels can be beautiful

2007-01-12T13:43:00.000-08:00

He has taught me
to put wet towels
under the cutting boards,
to ensure they do not slip.

"I don't want you to cut yourself,"
he told me,
his face a call of caring.

Later in the day,
I turned around to chop something
and saw this beauty.

2007-01-08T14:25:00.000-08:00

In the midst of quiet conversation
music pattering behind us
such closeness
an afternoon together,
unexpectedly

we heard rabid tappings.

snow?
rain so hard it could shatter
the street below?

a blur of white
danced across
the black street
beneath it.

we ran downstairs
stuck our tongues out
danny put out his hands
caught some white
it turned into
hail
in his hands.

as we danced,
our downstairs neighbor
opened his door
and said, "whoa."

the hail had been
raining down
for fifteen minutes
and he had not noticed.

we felt sorry
for that kid.

this could be....

2007-01-05T17:40:00.000-08:00

the cover of my book.

Monica took it, intent.

The pizza is gluten-free,
which meant she could eat it
too.

I made the dough for the crust.
Danny made the pizza and plated it.
Monica took the photographs.

We all laughed,
together.

buildings rising sharply

2007-01-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

last week, the sky was blue
we drove around downtown
meandering.
he grabbed my camera and
started taking photographs
out the window
through the sunroof
in the rear view mirrors.

i loved seeing
how he sees the world.
no one had ever given him a camera before.
he kept wanting to take more.

this one is his.

i love how his photographs
are much more masculine
than mine.

i don't know what that means
but it's true.

a wish for the new year

2006-12-31T17:51:00.000-08:00

I hope that next year
is filled
with sunlight
fresh produce
a working car
somewhere to go
laughter

and a loved one
trying to capture it.

for everyone.

not fists

2006-12-27T17:09:00.000-08:00

My three-year-old nephew, Elliott
and his four-year-old friend, Evan
raise their cupped hands high
pointed toward each other
when they want a hug
from across the yard.

We picked it up
immediately.

the soothing green and white

2006-12-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

i love these shakers
my mother has owned them
for decades.

i don't think she has
ever used them
though.

the weak sunlight
outside
falling on the green and white
inside

and
my camera
simply
has to follow.

scuffed and still going

2006-12-23T17:25:00.000-08:00

i have walked so many miles in these shoes.

the red shoes have traipsed across new york
alaska
arizona
los angeles
london
seattle
too many classrooms to count
vashon.

lately, every time i look down
i see that one foot is on the edge
lifted
poised to pounce.

since i took this picture
i have been trying to remind
myself
to stand on both feet
firmly on the ground.

calming to the eye

2006-12-22T16:08:00.000-08:00

People on the street have forgotten the reason.

Driving him to work, a woman behind us pressed her hand to the horn,
five minutes straight,
because a car blocked her way.

Where is she going?

Too much gaudiness in the season.

I like having something simple,
a place where my eyes can rest.

sleeping sweetly

2006-12-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

i just love this photo of him sleeping.
late morning.
sun coming through the windows.
a fresh pot of coffee brewing.

he was smiling in his sleep.

bleak winter branches, surrounded by light

2006-12-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

winter feels bleak but necessary.

with all the leaves fallen off the trees,
it is easier to see the sky.